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Content warning: hostile political environment, systemic racism, gaslighting, friendships ended
I understand that I have not posted in a while, and for that, I genuinely apologize. This silence had also been reflected in a number of online community spaces where I had been at one point very active. It has been quite a tumultuous few months, and the pace definitely has done all but slowed down. This began with the move for my new tenure-track position—a job I love in a community where I hope to thrive. I have so many things to catch everyone up on, which means this long update will include a number of subheadings in favor of accessibility. The grand move did not happen without incident. No reprieve from other obstacles in addition to thousands of dollars I owe family for the move itself.
Lost Friendship & Seeds in Greener Pastures
A number of things I brought over broke. Some of the furnishings, even with repair, were unstable enough that I had to replace them. Also, like many moves, I not only felt stressed out but also acted in a way that made me question the effectiveness of all the help I had received in therapy.
I had help during the move, and I will never express enough how thankful I was for it, even if I lost a friend over it. Because I was in such a bad mental place, that friend said I treated them poorly. I can genuinely say, looking people in people’s eyes and not lose sleep at night, that I did not mean this. Truly. Where I know I did act bad, I lamented and apologized. I accused the friend of sounding very aggressive when they said they were but assertive and she said this among other things she did not specify did it.
For a few weeks, I second guessed not just recovery in therapy and improvements I had been told I made over the years, but also just how I interacted with people. A part of me felt like I should have just distanced myself, including from someone who had been close to said person but also close to me, out of fear I would cause problems.
From what this person said, though, the former friend had been burning bridges with a variety of people. In all of it, a number of people who told me I had been too hard on myself said this: the former friend had a huge fixation on always being right and others being less right — less significant — than themselves. Others pointed out how I had my insecurities intentionally used against me by the person to bring me down because I could not satisfy the person enough. Even in all this, I tried to err on not assuming malice because I know when they criticized me for being sensitive, I had to accept it had been an issue I sometimes had under a lot of stress.
I sought a therapist to hold me accountable and relayed everything that I recalled happened during the move, including where I did not have the best shining moments and took accountability for such. In it all, the therapist said, even for what I held myself accountable for, the person sounded like a narcissist. I had also learned that despite the former friend told me my comment on aggressiveness was but me acting out of gender privilege — as someone who presented as what I identified as seventy-percent of the time — many non-cis and trans people hated her. Their concerns had been utterly dismissed as siding with people with more privilege. They had professed more than once she did not speak for them and only held interest in taking space at other peoples’ expense.
In no small irony, my own struggles with her racial and class privilege seemed minor compared to what this former friend dealt with in life in her eyes. The reality, I say, is not so simple and neither of our privileges and identities as marginalized peoples invalidated our struggles. Needless to say, I have no interest in reconciliation with this person. I now understand I probably should have just listened to my gut earlier on in our interactions when I felt something off and distanced myself further before it escalated to where it did.
Even then, as I ended one friendship, multiple seeds of potential future ones blossom. I have been also talking more to some of the very people that former friend readily demonized behind the scenes and find them very wholesome. More, I get along very well with my colleagues in the new area and count this a blessing especially with how isolated and alone I felt after the ending of one friendship.
Shaky transitions in friendships and social circles had been far from the only difficulty I faced during this large move.
Financial Setbacks
As if a lost friendship was not enough, I also had my first car accident in over a decade and one where I was held legally at fault. I could say I did not see the person coming from my left because of how fast they sped around corners of the parking lot, but all the same, I have to own my part. This has created a delay in me saving money because I had to spend it on repairs. I also learned from my mother that paperwork from California went to her place and requested a form filled out, one that I had been sure I did within ten days of the accident per Californian law. However, as I did not get this (possibly additional) paperwork right away, I pray I will have enough grace to handle it before the fall semester at the college wraps up. Turns out, I still need to turn over my current driver’s license for a new one, anyway.
Then I managed to save a couple hundred dollars, for another set of financial challenges to face me: dental bills.
I have to pay a total of two thousand dollars in dental work, for multiple crowns and fillings meant to replace fracturing silver fillings, many of which I had received all at once over a decade ago. I loathe I used to have really good teeth and for some reason, with age, that does not seem the case anymore. This set back had meant less ‘fun money’ or money to also save for major future milestones, such as buying a house in an already ridiculously expensive part of the country where I may only have a chance due to first time buyer advantage.
I also still need to pay my grandmother back. My mother insists I try to find some summer work of some kind, and while I understand where she comes from, I also am not sure what work I could do without violating contract of current job. Perhaps I can make inquiries with the local union and see if they know of any possible jobs their faculty may do over the summer when they might want extra money. It does not seem a job where I easily get offered summer courses to teach or anything adjacent.
Either way, I am determined to still save money even if it may not be the amount I would hope to save. I just finished purchasing most of my DIY storage furnishing and only have a few things I want to get later. It will happen. Things will have to work out somehow.
Latest Current Events
The past few months has been a roller coaster, to say the least. There had been some things I found how others reacted to current events that did not surprise me, yet I had hoped for something slightly different. Among some of the current events that have troubled me is the aftermath of the death of Charlie Kirk, and seeing some go ‘mask-off’ in response. Despite that I only mourn for his children and the loss of human life, I also wish to say, I condemn political violence. Contrary to speculation and misinformation regarding left extremism being involved in his death, I learned this not the cause at all no matter how much the media speculated on the assassin’s roommate being an influence.
A number of people in the very base Charlie Kirk catered toward had been clearly unhappy with this past year. Such a death seems if anything a symptom of a broader problem of how broken our country is, and how the people pulling the strings behind the scenes had been invested in creating this situation so they can push as much authoritarianism as possible. No one should die simply because of disagreement, though I admit I notice some people talking about this subject only feel that way when it comes to their people. Ironically, Hasan Piker of all people on the left had come out and said what happened to Charlie Kirk could have happened to him, especially as he had been set to debate him weeks prior.
My current stance on where the boundaries of agree to disagree remain the same. I have been known to have friends with people from various political affiliations. However, the past eight years have taught me one thing. I can agree with people and still be friends with them until their disagreement with me is — or becomes — rooted in their desire to eradicate me for existing, or because I want everyone in the world to not just have a chance to survive, but thrive and live in a better place. Some people who I have spent time with in the past or been friends with (or even now) I sometimes hear may be among those who want to do such with me. It is not a fact I am oblivious on, but I know some people will not be honest when confronted, so I have to wait until I see more myself while preparing to protect myself from the worse case scenario the best I can.
Some of my relationships with people can be complicated. One set of relationships including keeping collegial in gaming and writing environments while I try to be a positive influence in the space. Another set of complicated relationships: with my family. My family was, and still remain divided over the elections, sometimes even divided in their souls. Several of them have come to the realization I have: that ICE has gone too far in their actions and innocent people now have been harmed by what they do. It never had been about going after the most violent offenders of undocumented immigration. The ones pulling the strings with the organization happen to be among people I have learned to more than strongly dislike.
Even if I do not live to see the day, I pray certain people in this world will be tried for their crimes against humanity. America has long needed a truth and reconciliation of its own, something a number of countries with oppressive histories have done. As I do not consider myself a practicing Catholic anymore, I will say this as someone who once had been: anyone who truly believes in the core of Christ’s teachings would not cheer on what this regime does to our immigrant populations.
For anyone who suggests I do not care about our white immigrants and only our brown (whether Latine or Asian) immigrants, I have expressed the same condemnation about the current regime’s discarding of Ukrainians who sought asylum. What this regime has done and still does will not serve in the best interests of the many, only the few. When they have finished going after them, or people like me, or my trans friends, they most certainly will go after you. Such people only thrive on having someone to hate.
I will only want the best for my fellow humanity. I make no pretense, however, to believe everyone feels the same about me.
Complicated Friendship Circles & Gaming Spaces
I have also been struggling inside gaming communities recently. Some of my friend groups do not get along and it has come to a point where some feel put in a position to pick a side. Skewed perceptions also amplify the issues some have with others. It has been difficult for me, especially because I believe two people good may not always get along, but also because I know well people are complicated and not infallible. At one point, I have needed to remind myself not every battle is mine to fight.
Suffice to say, some of the things people have said to me or around me have triggered some serious trauma, so this has been taking a toll at times. As is, I fear losing friends because of bad faith actors in some scenarios that have come up, but also because…I hate to say it, but someone, out there, has been lying. There had been times I have considered fading away from some of these gaming communities, but I have made a promise to someone I would not let anyone drive me away again. Several people in these communities have also tried to nitpick at me, and it has not always been easy dealing with them, but I have to remind myself it reflects more of their shortcomings than my own.
It does not, however, mean I may not sometimes spend a little less time there while I look at so many other projects I need to work on, versus logging into a server.
Tenure-Track & Writing
I am in an interesting trajectory where I currently live and with my career. It never occurred to me I would see a day I enter a position where I would be tenure-track while also having, as far as I can see, some reasonable sense of work-life balance. With all the horror stories I have heard of the process, I am grateful I am not in a position where I would need to live amongst them. My work also gives me some time to take it home and do it there. Such opportunity does not come to just anyone, and I cannot in good conscience downplay how blessed I feel with this position. Despite that I have walked into having to almost immediately look for a new main vendor for our physical books,
I have felt like there might be someone or another who look to prove themselves in our department in a competitive manner, but I have despite initial wrong rubs kept cordial and opted to ‘kill with kindness.’ When I do this with people, even people I know who might think low of me but act nice to my face, I am not acting truly dishonest because I do not usually wish for ill on others unless they prove a truly certain level of malevolent. Sometimes, it also shows people surrounding you more about the other person’s shortcomings than one’s own when doing this. It had not been the first nor last time someone had seen me as a ‘threat’ to something they feel entitled toward having.
In my professional development, all of which I will be writing about in my self-appraisal form I need to turn in this coming Friday for my tenure-track deadlines, I have also found some helpful tools. Though as a rule I am critical of using AI, I have learned to appreciate using it in a way not feeding it sensitive information, but also select features that help with concept mapping. This had been good for helping me deal with some writer blocks I have stumbled unto happening. One fortunate aspect of having a business account with my work place for some of these tools is the contract(s) act in favor of protecting sensitive information. Contracts also mandate protecting our data from being used by the larger language model that had created so many problems for aspiring writers and artists trying to do their work. This means after I get a few projects out of the way, I can finally work on some writing, both fiction and non-fiction.
Looking Forward
Even going through all the hardships I summarized in the first sections of this blog post, I have absolute no regrets. I even made it to Gen Con 2025 this year, of which I never thought I would get to do so. I got to see some friends while also making more. The Forgotten Realms authors had been very wholesome to meet in person and I am grateful they feel as I do about a lot of the hostile political climate in the United States. Whether people like it or not, they want an inclusive and caring Realms space where racists, transphobics, homophobics, anti-immigrant, and/or fundamentalist zealots do not have a place. That to me does not make them ‘too political,’ but means they protect their fans from people who only want ill for them.
The place where I live in California now not only has beautiful scenery but also a community-minded group of people who watch out for each other. Regardless of all the reputation this area has regarding crime, I actually had a package come late while I was out of town and returned to see it was still there. This told me that people around me, even someone I flipped off on the road to only then find they were my neighbor, watch out for each other.
My colleagues at work have been very lovely and even gave me some rides when I had my car in the shop. One remarked that “if we do not help each other, no one will.” This feels like a common sentiment with the people where I work and a lot of people in the city. While the aggressive driving leaves some things to be desired, I find myself really wanting to stay in this area. My mother has even noted she noticed me going out more in the area. I also feel my energy bouncing back up even while I fill my time with dance classes with students of Suhaila Salimpour.
My biggest fear is that if the current instability of our government does not drive me away, retirement prospects might. I just hope I can still live my dreams and thrive despite all going on. After I finish some DIY projects so I can store more things I need to unpack, and after I put together a bookshelf and a few other things, I want to eventually get a cat. Despite being moderately allergic to them, I want to have one. If I cannot get on allergy injections before I find one, I will need to look for a Russian blue.
I also am trying to work on dropping pounds so that I can both mitigate my family’s history of bad knees while also treating my moderate sleep apnea. Managing my allergies with allergy filters and enhanced cleaning habits are but some additional things I am trying to do to keep my energy levels high. My depression has been sometimes getting to me the past week or two, but that might also be because of hormone fluctuations from all I have been doing.
I have bounced back far quicker than I did a few years ago, so I will take the progress.
I will try to wait less time before doing a blog post. Hopefully, that means the next post being a little shorter. Until next time, please be good to yourselves!
—Arya
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