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Preliminary Comments: I had this written two months ago, but realized I forgot to press the publish button. I blame absurd busyness.
Content warning: post-traumatic stress talk
So, keeping impeccable to my word, I am going to make this post far less word-y than my last post. This past week has been interesting to say the least, even if a bit busy and me learning what post-achievement depression is like – or more accurately, I have encountered this multiple times and now have language to describe it. In short: there exists a valid sort of depression where one had been so hyper-focused on a goal and put so much of their time and energy into it, that once they accomplish it, that mental space clears and leaves only a void. Mentally, one would think this should be a good thing, but the mind sometimes does not react to it that way.
What more had confounded this few days of a depressive slump: abandonment trauma being triggered by something that otherwise might not have been a problem if I did not already feel weighed and exhausted. The trigger happened, but fortunately, I bounced back up from it a lot quicker than I would have a year or two ago, so I will take that win even as a part of me judges me most severe in my mind.
Financial Setbacks
Dental bills have me set back on my saving money goals. Still, I am gradually paying my grandmother back. The holidays will also mean some lulls, but I am determined to save more money this coming year than I did years before, even if some of the money saved ends up going toward paying my grandmother back or some dance class expenses. With me joining dance again in full-swing and making a commitment to do better with it, I will have to put money toward it.
Complicated Friendship Circles, Gaming Spaces, & Goals
I have not been spending nearly as much time in gaming spaces. Until my DIY Hell is resolved, which it may not be for a few months yet, all of my free time has been eaten by my dancing. One of my dance goals include in addition to earning Level 1 certification in the Salimpour style also includes integrating more fusion. This means time as much as money.
The sooner I can finish DIY Hell, the sooner I both can return to the game scene while also invest in a fur baby. Hells, I may get to finally work on some writing projects, as well.
On the bright side: it has given me some insulation from some of the complicated friendship circles I have. One side of those friendship circles feels I am growing more and more distant. It saddens me it has come to this, but there are so many stories of what has happened behind scenes, harm to people I care about and then some that I just feel this may be for the better. More: I need to be there for the people most affected by ongoing events. Not everyone likes or appreciates that about me.
Tenure-Track & Writing
Good news on tenure-track: I have finished the first semester of it and am allowed to proceed forward! I was nervous about this and the good news had come. Despite this, post-achievement depression had struck. A lot of good feelings, but also emotional baggage had (re)surfaced and left me raw. Fortunately, people have been understanding.
Pa ‘lante
The world seems to keep getting drearier and drearier a place. Yet even with all going on, I have managed to find bouts of joy, fun with family, and I definitely feel I am in the best place I could be right now in Central/Northern California. This year has some wonderful plans, and I have the chance to connect with family in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area and then friends in Portland.
Please be safe, healthy, and importantly: please be kind to yourselves.
—Arya
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