The last of the three references who my prospective future employer requested had reached out to me and said they recently talked and it seemed a good discussion. I know by this point, some would say this is a sign of hope or that I have the job already. Because of how things have begun this year, though, I have that egging voice in my head saying: don’t give me hope. Just in case, I already had looked at some housing and picked ones I would really consider.
Lo and behold, now we are undergoing salary negotiations.
I do not know, of course, if my ideal homes will be available if I ever get an offer by the time I need it, especially with my salary under discussion still.
Thoughts on Leaving the United States, Continued Existential Dread
My original thought on if the position in California did not happen, I would have taken a break from the tireless job searching and just focused on getting my Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL)/Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) certificate. Then try again. If I ever had to leave the United States, European places of choice for me include Spain, and maybe a few East European places. An old flame of mine still lives in England and also has offered me to stay over there if I desperately need to get the fuck out. For now, according to Leeja Miller’s assessment a few weeks ago, I just need to be on standby. I am still even with the promising position in California doing some research on the possibility of me emigrating should it come up for safety reasons. With one option, I know I would need to get better with my Vietnamese if I choose to pursue citizenship by descent from my grandmother’s place of birth.
There exists other prospects in the nagging part of my mind: will being in California, or even a west coast or ‘blue state’ provide the insulation needed for me to thrive? For sure, New Mexico would be more vulnerable than California, but would California be safe enough for me or anyone I care about? These thoughts race with abandon upon seeing the attempts by the Department of Justice to arrest judges, pursue the prospect of going after citizens protecting undocumented peoples, and other very blatantly un-democratic and hugely fascist things. I am not going to handle discussions of this regime with kids’ gloves like the media does. Just because they won does not mean people need to shut up no matter how nasty the red hat cultists get with me on the streets. That last part, by the way, does show evidence to people who care nothing for a democracy.
Have I hurt some fee-fees with saying all that? At this point, I am just going to say not out of any schadenfreude but out of pure exhaustion with handling some of these topics and people with kids gloves: good. As Donald Glover had put it in one of his videos, “I am glad you are in a dilemma.”
Before the elections, friends from Germany expressed worried for us. During the past few months, some of my friends and colleagues from Turkey had concerns — no less because they themselves have their problem elements causing a number of people to flee. One of my former colleagues who lives on the east side of Turkey had said “I have been following the news, my dear American.” I had a break down a few days ago and caused one of my other friends to worry if things escalated to where I was in immediate danger, of which I had to clarify it had not yet gotten to that point, but I do not know how long that may last. Because of how raw and vulnerable I felt in that moment, I now am too afraid to speak up about it again. Last thing any of us want is to treat me (or many others) as “just crying wolf.” Me doing things like watching the Leeja Miller video and researching other articles is my attempt to not freak out anymore than I had.
However paranoid I sound to some, a friend of mine, who had over the years told me I seem I might be happier if I had been ‘more oblivious’ to the world, had even affirmed to me I am not paranoid. I only sound paranoid because I have studied my history. And I studied it in a not-so-Euro-American centric lense.
Regardless, California at this point sounds most poised to handle some of what is going on, if any place in this country does so at all. It is clear a figure I shall not name has started to treat the state like his Moby Dick. We will see if the outcome of that remains the same, all from his own undoing.
Self-Care Notes During Rise in Authoritarianism
After having a short noticed inspection dropped on me during an already busy time of the year for me, with performance stress still a theme the next few weeks, I had to think for a moment how I have self-cared. I know only surviving on two hours of sleep and interrupted naps from everyone else doing their day to day things and giving me phone call Hells does not fit self-care. What I have done, however, is take a mental health day even if I still ended up busy dealing with personal matters as part of that. Another thing: I counted how productive I had been in all the inspection craziness and took note of my vacuum cleaner’s last days.
Another self-care moment: when I heard it time to negotiate for my salary in a position before I could have an offer letter, I made sure to inquire on what I needed for going up higher on the salary schedule. I gathered documentation, as well. This position in California taught me something about myself: how little a younger, ‘edgier’ left-leaning libertarian version of myself could not appreciate the transparency in this bureaucracy. It felt nice to deal with a system and college where they explained how starting salaries had been assigned and I could thus know how to advocate for myself in it all. What I mean to say here: self-advocacy equals self-care, one I have not exercised nearly enough over the years.
For more ideas for self-care during these tumultuous times, of which many exist, can be found in the article, Stay Human: 80 Tiny Moves for Everyday Resistance in the Authoritarian Harm Complex. I will be the first to admit I am unsure I could apply all of this, but it feels a case where one does, as a fictional character named Baerauble Etharr said, “Do what you can, and it will be enough.” The same quote speaks to how the gods do not grant everyone the shining mantle of a hero. In a twist of irony, a notable line of self-care, self-compassion, and managing one’s personal energies comes from a fictional world with a fictional character.
For anyone who has it to do more than just trying to keep what sense of humanity they have left, there exists also this piece: “Ratf**ked?” How to Fight Back (Maybe). An important factor, and a heavily underestimated factor in how we live in the times we do, is everything leading up to now comes from an accumulation of collective effort. Karl Marx once said, “We make history, but not as we please.” In this, all the small things we do, and smaller organizations or efforts we make, all come together into a broader outcome. Fascism did not happen in a vacuum. Those who brought it to the United States did so through smaller efforts that coalesced into something larger. With all going on, this time more than ever should be a moment where we can decide how to handle everything, what actions we can take to disrupt the narrative authoritarians wish to push. We think of how to avoid complying in advance, which they count on many (including a lot of Democrats) doing. A professor of mine once said, “Participation is not a choice. We can though choose how we participate.” That also applies here, as we cannot avoid being part of history unless we just chose to self-isolate and find how to survive in the raw wilderness.
How we wish to partake in history, though, is up to us.
So, how does all of this list of actions have to do with self-care, one might ask? Simple. Part of self-care, a very important piece, comes from going home, looking yourself in the mirror, and answering in genuineness the question, “Can I sleep at night with what I have done? What part of it has to do with surviving, and what can I do to live more with myself?” Anyone with a conscience, of which should never be seen as a sin, will want to live a life they can hold and say, they have done their part.
They will want to live a life where they…did what they could, and it be enough.
Please be good to yourselves!
—Arya
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